— Stepping Over It in Seattle

Dear Stepping,

I say this without hesitation. Six hundred years is not a reason to abandon basic tidiness — it is, if anything, ample time to have developed the habit. “Too tired after hunting” is the vampire equivalent of “too tired after work,” and we do not accept it from the living either. I recommend purchasing a coffin with hinges that swing closed automatically. Frame it as a gift rather than a correction. If Sebastien resists, remind him gently that you have been patient for 47 requests and that your patience, unlike his lifespan, is not infinite.

LB

— Still Her Target, Technically in Toledo

Dear Technically,

The fact that Dorothy traveled all the way from the afterlife specifically to comment on your baseboards tells you everything you need to know about her priorities — and none of it reflects poorly on you. Hauntings of this particular variety are, sadly, common among daughters-in-law. Cover the hallway mirror with a cloth (this is traditional and also satisfying), and the next time she appears at your bedside, simply say: “Dorothy, you are dead and I am not, which means I make the housekeeping decisions now.” Then turn over and go back to sleep. You have earned it.

LB

— Haunted in Harrisburg

Dear Haunted,

Gerald may be dead, but his jealousy is very much alive — and frankly, exhausting. Three months is far too soon to be spelling accusations in bathroom steam. I recommend a firm but loving conversation: speak aloud into the air (he’s listening, trust me), and set clear boundaries. If he knocks over one more Chardonnay, hire a medium. And perhaps wait a touch longer before bringing dates home — not because Gerald is right, but because it is, by any reasonable standard, still quite soon.

LB

-“Brad”

Dear Brad,

This is less about witchcraft and more about basic relationship communication. Your girlfriend acted unilaterally on your behalf — that’s a boundary issue whether the weapon is a hex or a harsh text message. Sit her down calmly and explain that you appreciate the protectiveness, but you need her to reverse the spell as a condition of moving forward. If she refuses, ask yourself honestly: do you want to be with someone who turns your social circle into amphibians over perceived slights? The toad, by the way, should probably have some input here too — see if your witch can arrange a brief translation spell so everyone gets heard.

LB

-Howling in Houston

Dear Howling,

You are not alone — this is one of the most common domestic challenges in interspecies marriages. First, practical advice: stop buying fabric sofas. Reinforced concrete furniture exists for exactly this reason, and several supernatural-specialty home goods retailers carry full moon–rated upholstery. Second, and more importantly, you and your husband need a monthly plan you both agree to in advance — perhaps a controlled outdoor space, or a stay at one of the many werewolf-friendly wilderness retreats that have cropped up in recent years. “I can’t help it” is true, but “we haven’t tried hard enough to manage it together” may also be true. Approach it as a team problem, not a character flaw, and you may find the full moon becomes an adventure rather than an insurance claim.

LB

I matched with a werewolf who says he’s ‘only toxic once a month’—is that a red flag or just seasonal behavior?

-Looking for Consistency

Dear Looking,

If someone can schedule their toxicity, that means they’re aware of it… and still choosing it. That’s not seasonal, that’s a subscription plan. You can either opt in with protective gear and low expectations, or unsubscribe entirely. Remember: “once a month” is still recurring.

LB

My Fae match said ‘I love a spontaneous queen’ and now I legally owe him my name—how do I set boundaries without breaking the curse?

-Spontaneity Queen

Dear Queen,

First, stop agreeing to terms and conditions you haven’t read. Second, boundaries with the Fae are less about feelings and more about loopholes—be extremely literal, document everything, and maybe keep a lawyer or a witch on speed dial. Romantic? No. Necessary? Absolutely.

LB

This vampire I like keeps texting me at 2am asking if I’m ‘up’… is this a situation-ship or could this be a hint for something more?

-Casually Dating

Dear Casually,

It’s giving “you up?” energy, not “I see a future with you” energy. If all their effort lives between midnight and sunrise, that’s not mystery, that’s a pattern. Yes, they’re a vampire, but even vampires can plan ahead, hold conversations that aren’t convenience-based, and show interest outside of “are you available right now.”

Right now, you’re being treated like an option, not a priority.

LB

I’ve been dating a vampire for six months, but he still hasn’t introduced me to his friends or family. Is he ashamed of me, protective, or just not ready to take it to the next level?

-Seeking Group Activities

Dear Seeking,

Vampires, with a few exceptions, are notorious loners. The fact you have been in a consistent relationship for 6 months shows a level of commitment that should not be discounted. On the other hand, you may need to have a frank discussion with your paramour and explain what you are wanting for your future together. You also need to be ready to acknowledge he may either have no friends or family or that he would prefer it to be just you and he in your relationship. For. Ever.

LB

Is it too much to ask that a hot werewolf bite me in places that are nice and not always go for the jugular? I don’t think that’s much to ask.

Gaping Neck Wound

Dear Neck,

It is not too much to ask, but you have to be very clear when you are communicating to your prospective paramour. Werewolves, like their canine ancestors, can be trained. Usually, a simple bop on the nose will do the trick, but you must also provide a reward when they nibble on the nice places you prefer. If your werewolf does not respond after repeated correction, LoveBites suggest you seek out a werewolf who will adhere to your boundaries. If you are still enamoured and cant give that one up, you may need to seek out a Werewolf Whisperer to assist you.

LB