Dear Love, my vampire partner Sebastien is six centuries old and leaves his coffin lid on the floor every single morning. I have asked him 47 times. He survived the Black Plague, three wars, and the fall of two empires, but he cannot manage to put the lid back on before dawn. He says he is “too tired” after hunting. I say if you have eternity, you have time to put your coffin away. Who is right?
— Stepping Over It in Seattle
Dear Stepping,
I say this without hesitation. Six hundred years is not a reason to abandon basic tidiness — it is, if anything, ample time to have developed the habit. “Too tired after hunting” is the vampire equivalent of “too tired after work,” and we do not accept it from the living either. I recommend purchasing a coffin with hinges that swing closed automatically. Frame it as a gift rather than a correction. If Sebastien resists, remind him gently that you have been patient for 47 requests and that your patience, unlike his lifespan, is not infinite.
LB