Dear LoveBites - My girlfriend transforms in her sleep. She starts the night on her own side, perfectly reasonable, and within twenty minutes has somehow annexed two-thirds of the bed through a combination of starfish limbs, rolling maneuvers, and what I can only describe as territorial blanket diplomacy. I wake up most mornings clinging to about six inches of mattress like a man stranded on a life raft, one shove away from the floor. When I try to gently scoot back to get take some space on the bed, she bares her fangs and growls at me. I love her, but I also fear her in her sleep.
-Sleepless in Syracuse
Dear Sleepless,
At this point you’re not sharing a bed, you’re cohabitating with a territorial apex predator who happens to look adorable doing it. A few survival strategies: separate blankets, immediately, so there’s no fabric to fight over at 3 a.m. A bigger bed, so her conquest of two-thirds still leaves you a livable one-third instead of a ledge. And whatever you do, do not attempt to reclaim territory by scooting - you now have empirical evidence that this triggers the fangs. Approach border negotiations only while she’s awake and you have full use of your words. If the growling continues, consider a pillow-fort DMZ down the middle of the mattress, or accept your fate as a man who sleeps diagonally on a couch sometimes. Either way, never wake a sleeping starfish.
LB